Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend


Our Memorial Day weekend was very low-key.  I worked Saturday morning and spent that afternoon mowing the lawn.  Most women would probably complain about that, but I really don't mind.  Brandon really enjoys working in the yard and normally keeps it in tip-top shape.  This summer, the lawn-keeping duties have fallen to me and I must say, I think it looks pretty darn good!

Sunday was another day spent at home with the family.  We still have to be careful about eating out and visiting too many public places with Brandon's immune system being non-existant, so we are eating, sleeping, and playing at home right now.  The boys spent the day in the backyard playing in the sprinklers and swimming pools.  Brooks is having a rough time with his eye teeth - resulting in some pretty nasty diapers.  Even more of a reason to stay close to home!!

Monday morning, we had breakfast with Brandon's family before they left for a short vacation.  After that we were back in the backyard for more sprinkler time.  The afternoon provided much needed naps for the entire Rutledge clan.  After our naps, we were back outside where we had a little run in with a tick.  No worries though, we took care of it and Will never noticed that we removed a blood-sucking insect from his back.

I also had to make a sudden call to Poison Control after Will ate the berries off a holly bush.  Sigggghhhh.... he knows not to do this.  We've had this discussion with him after he put several of them in his mouth a few weeks ago.  BUT sometimes, and I hate to admit this, Will is spiteful.  Very spiteful.  He ran over to the holly bush and pulled several berries off all while looking at me with his spiteful i-know-i'm-not-supposed-to-be-doing-this grin.  Of course after I said "Do NOT put that in your mouth!" he did.  Of course after I said "SPIT THAT OUT! DO NOT SWALLOW THAT!" he did.  So I called Poison Control and was relieved to find out that unless your 35 pound child eats at least 6-10 holly berries, they should be okay.  They may vomit, but they're okay.  Well because I did NOT want to deal with vomit, I gave Will some yogurt to coat his tummy and counteract the acid in the berries (per the instruction of the nice gentleman at Poison Control).  Needless to say, Will spent the rest of the evening indoors as punishment for spitefully eating poisonous berries.  I promise I don't know where this child gets his spitefulness ;)

Here are a few pictures from our weekend -











Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thoughtful Thursday


I have some of the greatest friends in the world.  A few times each week, someone will email/text/message me checking on me, Brandon and our little family.  I really appreciate each little surprise in my inbox - it totally brightens my day.  That being said, I exchanged a few emails this week that got me thinking...

In my previous, my-husband-doesn't-have-cancer life (it's really not a previous life, it just feels that way some times), some would say that I was a "stresser".  I had begun to stress about everything lately.  I know exactly when and why it started, and we don't have to go into the details.  Let's just say I went through a very stressful situation and stressing became a habit.  After tears, headaches, prayers and many discussions with my husband, I got myself out of that stressful situation and promised to stop stressing.  I wanted to be healthier - emotionally and mentally, for my family's sake.  But it didn't stop there.  By getting myself out of that stressful situation, I inherited new worries.  I started worrying about a new job, a new family budget, and then flu season hit and for the first time in my life, I saw myself as a paranoid person.  I was sooooo worried about my kids' health that I couldn't stop taking temps and lysoling the house.  I remember the day when Brandon told me "It's like you have to worry about something.  It's like  you have developed the habit of stressing."  I know you think I'm a crazy person right about now, but I'm telling you all of this to say this -

I was the WORST possible person to hear the words "your husband has cancer."  I'm willing to bet my mother was thinking "oh crap - Jessica is going to go off the deep end and I'm going to be spoon feeding her in a home somewhere."  But no.  Of course when I heard the news, I let myself have a good cry.  BUT - after that good cry, a calmness came over me.  I was sitting at our dining room table and God told me, "Jess - put your work boots on.  This is going to be tough, but you're tough."  When my friends email me to ask me how I'm doing, I know they are surprised to hear me say - calm and collected.  I get nervous every time he goes for a surgery, scan or treatment of course, but I'm okay.  I just know that Brandon is going to be okay.  I have never once thought about raising my babies without him.  I've never once thought about the two of us not growing old together.  So what happened?  How did I go from stressing about the flu (that my kids never caught) to being so calm when my husband has cancer?

God did it.  I truly and sincerely believe that He knew this was coming and he prepared me for this.  The doctors have no idea how long Brandon had the cancer before we found it, but they don't think it was there long - it was too aggressive of a cancer for it to be there long and not spread.  BUT God knew.  Almost two years ago, Brandon and I received the shocking news that I was pregnant for the second time.  We were not trying for a baby, and to be honest, I really had never considered having two-under-two.  That just wasn't for me.  So imagine our surprise!  But I really believe God knew that we needed to have our babies close together.  He knew that Brandon would soon lose his ability to have any more children.  (And what a wonderful addition that little guy is - Brooks melts our hearts every day).  And there were many many nights during that situation that started all this stressing, that I would say to God - "Why me?  Why are you allowing this to happen?"  But again, I think he knew that one day soon I would need to be a stronger person.  A person who can let go and let God.

So in the same way that we teach our children grace, humility, love, etc...  God has spent the last two years of my life teaching me strength.  And I'm okay.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Bittersweet End



Well, he did it!  Brandon finished his chemotherapy treatments today!  Brandon will tell you that it has been by far the hardest thing he has ever had to endure, but he was a champ and persevered.  I am so incredibly proud of him.  He has taken each treatment with a smile on his face, even when he felt terrible.  If nothing else, this will be a great "life lesson" story for when our boys want to quit a sport or give up on any other dream of theirs.

So why the "Bittersweet" title?  Well friends, the chemo has done such a wonderful job killing cancer cells, that it also killed many other types of cells as well.  These cells are the ones that help a person's immune system fight infection and clot his blood.  So he's been label "neuropenic", which means his white blood cell counts have bottomed-out.  Neuropenia effects many patients of chemotherapy and is very common.  He's also a little congested and his temp is pretty stable at 99.0.  If his temp hits 100.5, we have to be cautious and call the doc.  So he's under careful eye right now.  The doctors ensure us that his counts should rise on their own within the next 4-5 days, but we won't be sure until his next check-up (June 2).  He's also having lots of nose bleeds, so we hope those clear up soon too.

Another speed bump - Brandon's hair started falling out today :(  He didn't notice it at first, but he wasn't feeling well and stayed home from work today.  After taking the boys to their grandparent's, he came home to get back in the bed and noticed the hair on his pillow.  He called to tell me at work, and I could tell he was bummed.  Today was supposed to be a happy day - his last chemo treatment, and somehow it was the same day his hair started falling out.  I came home early to take him to his treatment and he ran his hand through his hair - sure enough, a small handful came out.  He can also pull the hairs on his face out by simply rubbing them.  I tried to cheer him up, telling him it was no big deal and that we would just buzz it off, but alas, the neuropenia means no contact with hair clippers due to the risk of infection.  So in the mean time, he's bummed out and I am trying to clean the hair off the pillows before he sees it....

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Our 5th Wedding Anniversary


Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.  Five years ago tomorrow, Brandon and I were surrounded by our closest family and friends on a horse farm in Armurchee, Georgia exchanging wedding vows.  It seems crazy to me that we've only been married five years.  Although I do remember my life before Brandon, it just doesn't seem like the same life I am living now.  We had originally planned to go somewhere for this small but significant anniversary - but we all know how that panned out.  I'm not sure that we'll get to venture too far from home tomorrow, but it will still be special nonetheless.


When a person says their vows they may or may not consider the significance of what those memorized words mean.  Most people would probably argue that they do know how important those words are, but it's hard to imagine the depth of those vows when you're young and invincible.  Brandon and I have been married five years, and each of those vows have been tested in just those few short years.  This is probably the reason why I feel like we've been married much longer than we have - both the triumphs AND the trials have been abundant in our marriage.

In five years we have comforted each other through the deaths of four beloved grandparents.  We have shared the joys of two beautiful sons.  We've bought a home, paid off cars and student loans.  We've lost and gained friendships.  We've gotten tough news from doctors.  In five short years, Brandon and I have been through things that some marriages never go through.  And I am so glad that Brandon chose me to share this crazy life with.


There are so many things that I love about Brandon - his strength, his sincerity, his old soul and his love for laughter.  He's a wonderful father, a supportive husband and one of the best guys on the planet.  Happy Anniversary Brandon!  After five years I'm still excited to spend the rest of my life with you :)


Friday, May 13, 2011

5 Days of Chemo Down, 2 More to Go

Days 3, 4 and 5 of chemotherapy were rough.  The regimens were the same as days 1 and 2, but with each additional day of chemo, Brandon grows more and more fatigued and exhausted.  You know how you feel the day after you've been in bed all day with a stomach bug? Sore, achey, weak, tired, with an uneasy stomach?  That's how Brandon feel times 100.  That's how he describes it to me.

Other issues have come up due to the chemo; such as indigestion, mouth/gum/tooth sensitivity, some restlessness (despite the extreme fatigue), and food aversions.  He wants something to eat, but nothing sounds good.  He's having to drink so much fluids, that he'll drink one or two orange gatorades, and then it will turn his stomach and he won't touch it again.  Then we move on to purple gatorade and the same thing happens.  So far, we've been through water, cranberry, cran-grape, orange, purple and blue gatorade, and now we're on yoo-hoos.  I would drive to Tennessee to get him something he would drink - that's how bad I need him to keep drinking.  So that's our biggest issue right now - getting him to drink something more than once!

I also try to get him out of the house every evening to walk for about 10-15 minutes.  We go when it starts to cool off, on a flat little walk down to the end of the road and back.  On Wednesday, he had to sit in the grass on the way back home.  He did better on Thursday, but we didn't try today.  Today has been kind of rough.  The anti-nausea meds are still working wonderfully, so thankfully we have been able to avoid that thus far.  

Thank you all for your continued prayers.  Brandon gets two days off (Sat. & Sun.) from chemo before he goes back on Monday.  After Monday's treatment, he'll be off the hook until the next Monday.  His white blood count will probably take a dive next week, which means we'll have to be extra careful about any contact with viruses.  That should be fun with the kiddos.  


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Days 1 & 2 of Chemotherapy


Brandon began chemotherapy on Monday.  So far, he has completed two treatments and will have five more - 3 more this week, and then one treatment on each of the following two Mondays.  This is a scary thing I tell you.  It's an awful, potent, but wonderful poison that you are knowingly pushing through your veins.  It's scary.

Brandon has been wonderful though.  We went early Monday morning and the nurses started his IV steroid (for nausea) and fluids.  Brandon's chemo regimen is a bit unusual.  He is actually being treated with three different chemotherapy drugs at once - bleomycin, etopocide, and cisplatin.  They are given separately during each treatment, which drags each session out for hours and hours (5 or 6 each day).  After the initial fluids, the nurse ask Brandon to stand up so that she could put a sheet under him in his chair while she gave him a "test dose" of the bleomycin.  When I ask why, she simply replied that a sheet underneath him would make it much easier to move him in case of reaction.  Yikes.

She pushed a small amount of the "bleo" in to test, and he did fine.  Within a few minutes, the nurse was satisfied and she continued with the rest of the bleo regimen.  After 30 mins, they switched drugs on him - this time it was Etopocide.  This just sounds awful.  After this treatment (which lasted about one hour), the nurse gave Brandon a diuretic through his IV - this makes him empty his bladder every few minutes. They explained that the next treatment, the cisplatin, is very toxic to the kidneys and it is very important for Brandon to empty his bladder often.  If the cisplatin sits in his kidneys, it will poison them and cause bad things to happen.  After the two hours of cisplatin (and many many trips to the potty) we were free to go home.  

We were glad to get home, where I made Brandon a chocolate milkshake and he was able to rest.  He hasn't felt too nauseous (they have given him lots of anti-nausea meds to keep in his arsenal though), but he has been very tired.  The nurses have the opinion that his tiredness is probably more from sitting all day than the chemo at this point.  They say that the latter part of this week and weekend will be when Brandon's symptoms are at their peek.  

But Brandon is an all-star.  He still has his humor and has been eating, drinking, and sleeping well.  The nurses love him - probably because he's the youngest person they're treating by 40 years.  He really enjoys the phone calls, texts, and messages everyone has been sending.  

Excuse my poor writing skills tonight - I'm rambling and I'm probably making no sense.  I wanted to keep you updated, but to be honest I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot :)

Goodnight friends - here is my handsome husband - even while getting chemo :)


Monday, May 9, 2011

All Aboard for Will's 3rd Birthday!!


This post is a little delayed. The party happened over a week ago, but as promised, I've been keeping up with the things I want to post about - even if they are old news by the time I get around to them :)

My sweet Will turned 3 on April 24th and we celebrated his birthday by inviting a few of his little buddies to the Devilray Tumbling Gym for a Thomas the Train birthday party.  We attended a birthday party for one of Will's little friends at this place a few months ago and he loved it!  It's basically a cheerleading gym where they blow up a few inflatables and let the kids go!  I love it because it's closed to the public (so no mean older kids picking on the little guys) and because in addition to the inflatables, they leave out the gymnastics equipment.  The kids get to spend a couple of hours running around on spring-boarded floors and playing on inflatables, balance beams, and in-ground trampolines - heck I even want to have a birthday party there!

I usually get super invested in my kid's parties.  I love to make things and have the whole place decked out.  Unfortunately this year, I just couldn't find the time.  I gave it a good shot - but I had soooo many more ideas than time this year.

Will was in a super sour mood for his party this year.  We were right in the middle of tornado clean-up and we had a hard time getting him to even go to his own party!  He wanted to stay on the farm and help clean up.  SO - he did what any three year-old would do - he pouted throughout most of his party and even covered his ears while we sang happy birthday.  Nice.



His little friends and his mommy had a good time though!  That counts for something, right?




The super cool Thomas cake came from Emilu's Cakes and Treats.  They are operating out of their home currently, but will be opening a bakery right here in my little town in the next few weeks.  I am pumped!



The goody bags I ordered from Etsy.  I fell in love with this idea a few months ago while brainstorming party ideas, and I was able to actually get myself together and order them before the party.  I loved how they turned out.  Inside the goody bags, were lots of fun train-related surprises - a wooden train with a paint set, Thomas bubbles, Thomas stickers, a bouncy ball and candy of course.











We did not open presents at the party, to allow the kids more time to play. (Will is soooo incredibly slow when it comes to opening gifts.  If I'm being honest, I don't think he's interested in it one bit.  I have to continuously prompt him to "pull this paper" or "looooook!"  He just doesn't care too much for it.)  Anyhoo - we opened them the following day at home, where he could take his time.






Thanks so much to everyone who came out for the party - and especially my friend Crystal who had to swoop in at the last minute and help me get my act together!  Love ya!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Storm's Legacy


On Wednesday, April 27, 2011 around 2:00 in the afternoon I called my mother-in-law, who lives in White, Georgia and asked if she had been watching the weather.  Before we ended the call, I reminded her that they were welcome to come to our house that evening so that if the storms got bad, as they were predicting, we could all get in the basement.

The skies were a nasty shade of green that day.  The wind whipped violently throughout the afternoon, and the atmosphere grew hotter and more humid as the afternoon progressed into evening.  By the time my husband and I got home from work we still had not heard from his parents, but I began making preparations in the basement - blankets, pillows, candles, flashlights, a radio, and bottled water.  Around 8:00 PM I asked Brandon to call his parents and tell them to come now, or stay put.  We had been watching the violent storms move across Alabama - and a terrible tornado had just ripped Tuscaloosa, AL apart and was headed straight for us.  At this point, the storms were roughly an hour away.  At first Brandon's parents said they would be fine at home.  We hung up and about three minutes later they called back - they had changed their mind and were headed in our direction (about 15 mins.)

Within a few minutes, the winds picked up and the skies turned darker.  Thunder and rain moved in.  Around 8:30 Brandon's parents, sister and grandmother (who lives across the street from Brandon's parents) arrived.  When I opened the door to let them in, a blast of hot air hit me in the face and I knew we were in for a rough night.  It was nearly 9:00 and it was at least 85 degrees outside - 10 to 15 degrees warmer than it had been at 6:00.  At 9:00, a tornado warning had been issued for our county and the sirens began blaring.  Our good friends and neighbors who live across the street came running with their child in tow, to hole up in the basement with us.

Brandon and his father stayed upstairs and continued to watch the radar.  The storm, which was headed directly for our town, began taking a turn for the south.  We continued to hide out in the basement as we watched the path of the storm head straight for Brandon's parent's neighborhood.  Within 5 minutes of the time the storm passed, my in-law's cells began ringing off the hook.  Their neighbors were calling to check on them - to see if they were okay and had made it through the tornado.  We knew then that it was bad.  Really really bad.  Their neighbors were frightened and looking out into pitch blackness.  There was no power for miles.  No one could see my in-law's house or their 5 poultry houses.  My neighbors and I watched as Brandon's parents began to panic.

Brandon and his father decided to get in the truck and ride in the direction of their home.  While they were gone, my mother-in-law was frantically trying to reach other family members in the White area.  She reached one cousin and heard the terrible news - two family member's homes completely gone.  One family member could see the grandmother's home - the front porch completely gone.  And praise the Lord - she was sitting safely in my basement the entire time.  But still, we had no news about their home or their farm.  And a second storm was headed straight for White.  I called Brandon.  He was frantic.  They couldn't get within a mile of the farm.  Too many trees across the road.  All he could see was darkness and destruction.  I warned him that another storm was headed straight for them and that they needed to leave and then the phone was gone.  I believe my mother-in-law was crying at this point.  I called Brandon again and I could hear the rain and hail beating down on the truck.  They were turning around and trying to get out of storm #2.

The tornado sirens began sounding again and my neighbors, Brandon's grandmother, my mother and sister-in-law and I hunkered down for round two.  A few minutes later, Brandon and my father-in-law were banging on the door.  My father-in-law's words: "It's bad.  It's real bad."

After about 30 minutes, the storms had finally passed.  It was pouring rain, but we gathered all the rain coats, boots and umbrellas in the house and Brandon left with his parents and sister to try again to reach their home.  The neighbors left and the boys were in bed.  Brandon's grandmother and I sat in the living room and watched on the radar as the storm continued to rip North Georgia apart.  I continued to call Brandon with not much success.  The service was terrible and I just got bits and pieces- "the neighbor's house is gone" or "chicken house down."  Three hours later, at nearly 3:00 AM, Brandon came home.

We laid in the bed for nearly an hour as he tried to clear his head enough to sleep.  He tried to tell me how bad it was - trees everywhere, chicken houses demolished, the roof gone, the neighbor's house in complete shambles.  We slept about 2.5 hours before the boys woke us up.  We dropped the boys off at my mom's house around 8:30 because Brandon had a doctor's appointment that morning.  After the appointment (around 10:30) we made the trip to Brandon's parent's house.  As we began making our way into the disaster area, these are the images of what we saw -

The road Brandon's family lives on.

A transformer in the road - live wires everywhere. 

His parents' next door neighbor (and cousin).  Brandon and his family had to CUT 5 members of this family out of their basement at 1:00 in the morning Thursday morning, including an 87-year-old woman.  Everyone made it out alive. 

Brandon's parent's home.  So blessed to still have their home.  The tornado missed their home by FEET. 

A chicken house on the ground.  The roof just sat down on the birds inside. 

This is the same shady oak tree I mentioned in my Easter post :( 

Neighbor's home. 

More demolished chicken houses.

The tin from the rooftops of the chicken houses was found everywhere - even miles away, wrapped and twisted around trees and fences.

We discovered these seven beautiful horses in our pasture.  We did NOT own horses before the tornado. 

You can see the path of the tornado through the pasture - upon closer inspection, the grass was laid down right where the F3 tornado came through.

The last few days have been a blur for everyone in the Rutledge family, but especially Brandon's parents.  There were roofs to tarp (but thank God they still had one!), trees to cut down, and around 100,000 chickens to get rid of.  I can't really describe the clean up activities in one sitting.  There has been such an incredible outpouring of help, support and man power given to our family.  People driving by just stop and ask to help.  Church families, friends, and extended family members show up when the sun comes up and leave long after it sets.  Just within a week, the place looks so much better.  For Brandon's parents, if you are reading this and have donated, prayed or worked with us - THANK YOU!  Thursday morning, in the wake of the storm, I just felt so small and helpless.  This HUGE storm just tore away everything that so many families had worked their whole lives for.  And then just days later, as so many stepped in to help, we have never felt so loved :)  Thanks friends!