I have some of the greatest friends in the world. A few times each week, someone will email/text/message me checking on me, Brandon and our little family. I really appreciate each little surprise in my inbox - it totally brightens my day. That being said, I exchanged a few emails this week that got me thinking...
In my previous, my-husband-doesn't-have-cancer life (it's really not a previous life, it just feels that way some times), some would say that I was a "stresser". I had begun to stress about everything lately. I know exactly when and why it started, and we don't have to go into the details. Let's just say I went through a very stressful situation and stressing became a habit. After tears, headaches, prayers and many discussions with my husband, I got myself out of that stressful situation and promised to stop stressing. I wanted to be healthier - emotionally and mentally, for my family's sake. But it didn't stop there. By getting myself out of that stressful situation, I inherited new worries. I started worrying about a new job, a new family budget, and then flu season hit and for the first time in my life, I saw myself as a paranoid person. I was sooooo worried about my kids' health that I couldn't stop taking temps and lysoling the house. I remember the day when Brandon told me "It's like you have to worry about something. It's like you have developed the habit of stressing." I know you think I'm a crazy person right about now, but I'm telling you all of this to say this -
I was the WORST possible person to hear the words "your husband has cancer." I'm willing to bet my mother was thinking "oh crap - Jessica is going to go off the deep end and I'm going to be spoon feeding her in a home somewhere." But no. Of course when I heard the news, I let myself have a good cry. BUT - after that good cry, a calmness came over me. I was sitting at our dining room table and God told me, "Jess - put your work boots on. This is going to be tough, but you're tough." When my friends email me to ask me how I'm doing, I know they are surprised to hear me say - calm and collected. I get nervous every time he goes for a surgery, scan or treatment of course, but I'm okay. I just know that Brandon is going to be okay. I have never once thought about raising my babies without him. I've never once thought about the two of us not growing old together. So what happened? How did I go from stressing about the flu (that my kids never caught) to being so calm when my husband has cancer?
God did it. I truly and sincerely believe that He knew this was coming and he prepared me for this. The doctors have no idea how long Brandon had the cancer before we found it, but they don't think it was there long - it was too aggressive of a cancer for it to be there long and not spread. BUT God knew. Almost two years ago, Brandon and I received the shocking news that I was pregnant for the second time. We were not trying for a baby, and to be honest, I really had never considered having two-under-two. That just wasn't for me. So imagine our surprise! But I really believe God knew that we needed to have our babies close together. He knew that Brandon would soon lose his ability to have any more children. (And what a wonderful addition that little guy is - Brooks melts our hearts every day). And there were many many nights during that situation that started all this stressing, that I would say to God - "Why me? Why are you allowing this to happen?" But again, I think he knew that one day soon I would need to be a stronger person. A person who can let go and let God.
So in the same way that we teach our children grace, humility, love, etc... God has spent the last two years of my life teaching me strength. And I'm okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment