What NOT to Say to a Pregnant Lady

Okay, this seems like common sense to me, but I've discovered that the common sense gene is not so widely spread these days.  I've really only made this discovery since I have worked very closely with the general public for the last two years.  I just canNOT believe the things that grown adults let come out of their mouths on a daily basis.  In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that my FOUR YEAR OLD has better filtering skills than some of the people I deal with.  So let's discuss specifics...

Let's start with you girls -

For HEAVEN'S SAKE ladies, what is the matter with you?  You should know better than to make any sorts of comments to a pregnant lady on her appearance, stature, posture or walk.  Even if you think you are saying something nice, it probably will not come out the way you intend it to.  For example - when this 38.5 week pregnant lady walks into the children's clothing store that you are working at, dressed in a black dress and flat sandals on a 95 degree day in July with her BANK NAME TAG on at lunch time, it would be obvious to me that this lady is shopping on her lunch break.  This means she is still working and based on her attire, has put some degree of effort into her appearance that day.  This would NOT be a good time to say "Well don't you look comfortable?"  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  Because, to me (the 38.5 week preggo that just waddled into your store) it means Why didn't you just throw on some pajama pants and come on in because you look like you just rolled out of bed and into Gymboree? Of course I'm not comfortable!  I'm not even comfortable when I AM in fact lying around in my pajama pants.  And that was my cutest outfit that still fits!  Ugh. 

It is also never appropriate to say anything similar to "You look tired", "You look exhausted" or "You look like you're ready to have that baby."  What does that mean?  Of course I'm ready to have this baby.  And I am secretly praying that my water breaks on your cute little unswollen pedicured toes :)

OK men (although I doubt I have many male readers - ladies PLEASE make sure your man knows better than this) -

Unless you are actually wearing a white coat with the initials M.D. on it at the time of conversation, it is NEVER EVER appropriate for a man to even speak the words dilation, cervix, vaginal delivery, or mucus plug.  Yes.  I said mucus plug.  This happened to me today.  From a customer.  I (in a very professional manner) gagged right into the phone.

I also do not want to discuss breastfeeding or episiotomies with you.  This is likely something you know absolutely NOTHING about, no matter how many times you have seen your wife do it or watched it happen on Grey's Anatomy. 

And men - it's always best just to keep your comments to yourself when dealing with a pregnant lady.  Comments such as "You haven't had that baby yet?" or "Are you sure you're not having twins?" are not taken well.  Unless there is a leg hanging from my crotch, do NOT comment.  And then you may only offer me a place to sit. 

I'm not making this stuff up people.  There are soooo many opportunities for you to make a pregnant girl's day by saying something nice.  If you are a woman, it is always nice to LIE to a pregnant lady and say things such as "You look so great!"  or "You are all baby!" or "Gosh I wished I looked as good as you at ____ weeks pregnant!"  I don't care if you looked like Molly Sims at 9 months pregnant, LIE.

If you are a man, it's just best to keep your mouth closed and only offer material gifts of substantial value :) Because I hate to tell you this, but the swollen, aggravated, waddling woman in front of you is growing a person, and that is something you could never do, no matter how many times you google mucus plugs.