As a parent, I have really really looked forward to this holiday season. Why? Not because I'm so overjoyed to see my children's smiling faces as they rip into their gifts. Not because I love to shop in overcrowded and GREATLY overheated malls until my feet hurt. Not because I want to fight with that grossly obese rude woman over the last LeapPad at ToysRUs. Not because I love to hear the same 50 Christmas songs take over the radio. Nope. I have looked forward to this holiday season for one reason and one reason alone - the good behavior bribe. The you better behave 'cause Santa is watching you bribe. Don't pretend you don't do this to your kids. If you don't - quit reading this now. You won't like where this is going.
So a couple of weeks ago, I jumped on my first opportunity to use this line with the Willster. Although I don't remember the specific incident now, it is assured that he was misbehaving and/or sassing. Nonetheless, I said "Will! You better watch your behavior! Santa is always watching you and he won't bring you the present you really want if you're not being a good boy." Well, by now most of you know my child. So can imagine where this went...
Will: where is Santa now?
Me: in the North Pole
Will: where is that?
Me: in the sky. He can see everything you do.
Will: No he can't Mom. He's NOT Jesus!
Okay fine. So I stood there with my mouth open looking like an idiot who was just schooled by a preschooler for a few minutes until I finally wandered off muttering something about Santa is really good friends with Jesus so na na na na boo boo.
So on Thanksgiving Day, I told Will that his special elf friend, Buddy was coming to see him the next day. I explained the whole elf story - Buddy watches their behavior and flies back to the North Pole at night to report to Santa. Well, low and behold, I sit straight up in the bed at 6:00 AM on the day after Thanksgiving and remember that I didn't get Buddy the Elf out. So I tiptoe into the living room, dig through the boxes of Christmas decorations and find the elf. I tiptoe over to the dining room table and decide to put Buddy in a glass vase full of ornaments. He's really a cool elf and he was nose-diving into the ornaments. Then I got even MORE clever and decided to put a couple of the ornaments on the table, to make it look like Buddy made a mess. Well - next thing you know ornaments are rolling all over the table and crashing onto the floor - shattering in the process. Great. So at 6 AM on the day after Thanksgiving, I am under the dining room table with a broom and a dust pan. Dang Elf.
Will was really into Buddy for one whole day. The next day, Will starts to misbehave again and I start with the threats - Buddy is watching! Oops! You don't want Buddy to tell Santa about this! On day three, I tell Will, Buddy will tell Santa all about this tantrum tonight at the North Pole! and this is how the rest of that story goes down:
Will: no he won't
Me: sure he will. He'll fly to Santa and tell him tonight.
Will: no he won't because he can't fly.
Me: why can't he fly?
Will: because the book said if I touched him he would lose his magic and he wouldn't be able to fly.
Me: well did you touch him???
Will: Yep. Sure did. I had to show him my Christmas tree.
Me: (I'm stressin' here because Buddy is my last threat opportunity) Ummmmmm...... Well Buddy won't be back then. Tonight Santa will be coming to pick Buddy up.
So Buddy got crammed in a drawer with chip clips and bottle openers while I decided what the HECK I was going to do now. I mean - how is my 3 year-old out-smarting all my genius briberies??!!
The next day, as we were all mourning Buddy's sudden departure, I looked at Will very sadly and said Well now I'm the only one who gets to decide about your presents from Santa, since Buddy can't tell him. You better be on your BEST behavior.
Will just shrugged and said " Well if Santa doesn't bring me any presents, I can just go get the money out of my Disney jar and buy my own presents Mom."
Tired, defeated and desperate, this is what happened next -
I am officially HORRIBLE at bribing my kids :(
Will is so funny!
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